Washington, D.C. — In yet another bold statement on Truth Social, President-elect Donald Trump has laid out his vision for a U.S.-Canada merger, offering Canadians “bigly savings” on taxes and tariffs if they agree to become the 51st state. To sweeten the deal, Trump casually tossed Alaska into the equation, declaring, “We’ll throw in Alaska for free—it’s close to you guys anyway!”
“A Win-Win Deal”
Trump’s statement framed the proposal as a historic opportunity for Canadians to secure financial relief and gain protection from supposed “constant threats” posed by Russian and Chinese ships. “No one treats Canada better than I do,” he posted, adding, “and no one will treat Alaska better—until we give it to Canada. They’ll love it, trust me!”
Alaskan Outrage
The residents of Alaska, however, were less enthusiastic. Governor Mike Dunleavy issued a terse statement: “Alaska is not a free sample at Costco.” Local Alaskans flooded social media with hashtags like #NotForSale and #KeepYourHandsOffOurMoose.
“I didn’t vote for this,” said Janine Porter, an Anchorage resident. “I like maple syrup as much as the next person, but I don’t need a maple leaf on my driver’s license.”
Canadian Reaction
North of the border, Canadians were equally bewildered. “I didn’t know we were in negotiations,” said Sophie Tremblay of Montreal. “And what exactly are ‘bigly savings’? Is it like a coupon?”
Others expressed confusion over the inclusion of Alaska in the deal. “Is this like when you buy one province and get a territory for free?” quipped Toronto-based comedian Ryan McCallister.
A New Flag Design?
Sources inside Trump Tower suggest that the president-elect has already commissioned designs for a new U.S. flag featuring 51 stars and a maple leaf watermark. “It’s going to be tremendous,” Trump reportedly told aides. “The leaf will be classy, and everyone will love it. Even the trees will love it.”
What’s Next?
While neither the Canadian government nor the Alaskan delegation has agreed to Trump’s terms, analysts say the president-elect is unlikely to back down. His next move? A “Maple Deal Summit” planned at Trump National Golf Club, featuring a ceremonial hockey puck drop and complimentary Trump-branded snow globes for all attendees.
As tensions rise, one thing is clear: Canadians and Alaskans alike are bracing for what may be the most unusual cross-border negotiation in history. For now, Alaskans can only hope their state doesn’t get traded for Tim Hortons gift cards, and Canadians are left wondering what exactly they’d do with a bonus Alaska.
