In a shocking twist no one saw coming (except everyone), former President Donald Trump has unveiled “Deportation Airlines,” a new airline that promises to deliver “one-way freedom flights” for those who, as Trump puts it, “didn’t quite make the cut.” The fleet—consisting of old Spirit Airlines planes and at least one former Trump Shuttle—will now include an in-flight citizenship test, because due process is best handled between lukewarm peanuts and turbulence.
Sky-High Patriotism or Sky-High Panic?
According to officials, passengers on Deportation Airlines can “earn points toward re-entry” by answering a series of trivia questions about American history, government, and, for some reason, Trump’s best golf scores.
“We’re making it fun,” Trump boasted, standing next to a jet proudly branded with “You’re Fired!” in gold letters. “If you know your Founding Fathers and can correctly rank my top five business bankruptcies, you might just land back in America. It’s all about merit, folks. Merit!”
The Test of a Lifetime, or Just Mid-Flight Jeopardy?
The test, designed by what Trump calls “only the best people—better than Harvard, believe me,” will include multiple-choice and short-answer questions. Some leaked samples include:
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“Who was the first President of the United States—besides Trump?”
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“How many McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches did Trump once order on Air Force One?”
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“Which season of The Apprentice had the most viewers, and why was it rigged against Trump?”
Passengers who pass will receive “Freedom Miles,” which can be redeemed for a future legal entry attempt—pending approval from a panel of Trump Organization interns. Those who fail will receive a first-class ticket to “somewhere that loves socialism more than us, like Canada or California.”
First-Class Perks & Political Pitfalls
Beyond the test, Deportation Airlines is reportedly exploring a first-class “Golden Ticket” option for those who pledge allegiance to Trump’s 2024 campaign. “We’re talking luxury deportation, people!” said one strategist. “You get a seat upgrade, a MAGA hat, and a personal letter from Trump himself saying ‘Bye, loser!’ It’s a great deal.”
Meanwhile, Governor Ron DeSantis has already vowed to launch his own deportation airline, promising “twice the removals at half the price,” while Mike Pence’s rumored airline will reportedly only fly in circles and refuse to let women board alone. Florida Senator Rick Scott has expressed concerns that this influx of deportation carriers will “oversaturate the market for banishment,” but Trump dismissed this, saying, “There’s room for all of us! Just not you.”
The Future of Flight, or Just a Really Weird Reality Show?
Despite instant legal challenges (and an FAA memo simply titled “What the hell is this?”), Trump remains bullish on his latest business venture. “Nobody’s ever seen a deportation airline like this before. It’s going to be yuuuge!” he assured a confused crowd.
As Deportation Airlines prepares for its maiden voyage, rumors swirl that the flight attendants will be personally selected by former Celebrity Apprentice contestants. Early reports indicate Omarosa has declined the invitation, but Gary Busey is allegedly on standby—assuming he can pass the test himself.
