Donald Trump has announced a brilliant plan to “virtually” close the Department of Education, sparking a nationwide debate—or, more accurately, a collective scratching of heads. In classic Trump fashion, the idea is bold, chaotic, and leaves everyone wondering if anyone has thought this through beyond the soundbite. But why let pesky things like “logistics” get in the way of a good political spectacle? Let’s dive into what this educational apocalypse could look like.
Step One: Burn the Books
Trump claims that eliminating the Department of Education will drain the swamp and stop the government from “indoctrinating” kids. Because nothing screams “quality learning” like ripping out the infrastructure designed to teach children basic skills. Who needs math when you’ve got good old-fashioned gut instinct, right? Numbers are overrated anyway—just ask his tax returns.
In the new Trumpified educational system, books will be replaced with patriotic pamphlets and MAGA-themed coloring books. Calculators will be confiscated in favor of old-timey abacuses, now branded as “Freedom Counters.” And history class? Well, that’ll just be a four-year screening of 1776: The Musical, with a special focus on the Founding Fathers’ opinions on golf courses.
Back to the States: Where No Rules Exist
Trump’s plan to hand control of education back to the states sounds great if you enjoy watching 50 wildly different experiments in chaos. Picture this: California students are learning coding and climate science while Alabama replaces gym class with “Duck Calling 101” and Texas introduces mandatory AR-15 maintenance labs. It’s the Hunger Games, but with pop quizzes.
Oh, and let’s not forget the red tape that will unravel faster than a middle schooler’s first attempt at algebra. Federal funding? Gone. Title I programs for low-income schools? Nope. Special education initiatives? Better hope your state doesn’t spend the money on fireworks and pothole repair instead. Equal opportunity? A quaint relic of the past.
New Role Models: Joe the Plumber and Your Cousin’s Twitch Stream
Without federal oversight, who will set educational standards? Enter the true patriots: local influencers, YouTube conspiracy theorists, and people who once got a “B” in high school government class. The PTA will rise to new heights of power, becoming the unofficial ruling body of American education. Betsy DeVos will probably reappear, leading seminars on “How to Spot a Marxist in Your Child’s Science Fair Project.”
Want your kid to learn how to dissect a frog? Better hope your state still believes in biology. Curious about Shakespeare? Sorry, the Bard was cut for being “too British.” Students will emerge into adulthood knowing just enough to fill out a W-2—but only if they live in a state that hasn’t replaced tax forms with handwritten IOUs.
Budget Cuts: What Could Go Wrong?
Trump also plans to “stop the abuse of taxpayer dollars” by redirecting education funds to—well, no one knows yet. Maybe a new line of Trump-branded chalkboards? Whatever the case, the Department of Education’s $28 billion contribution to K-12 schools will vanish like a snow cone in July, leaving local governments scrambling for solutions.
Instead of textbooks, schools will pass out photocopied worksheets and ask kids to bring their own crayons. Cafeterias will be BYO-lunch (and don’t even think about peanut butter unless you want a lawsuit). Band class will replace instruments with kazoo apps, and the school nurse will double as the crossing guard. It’s the dystopian reboot of Little House on the Prairie nobody asked for.
Student Loans? What Loans?
The Department of Education also manages the federal student loan system, so naturally, its demise raises questions. Will Trump’s plan include canceling the $1.6 trillion in existing student loans? Probably not—he’s more likely to suggest paying them off by selling NFTs of his hair.
Instead, we’ll likely see the return of apprenticeships: “Want to go to college? Too bad. Here’s a wrench. Learn plumbing.” College graduates will become an endangered species, replaced by a generation of TikTok stars who can spell “entrepreneur” but can’t calculate a tip.
The Future of Education: Chaos and Glitter
Despite the many, many questions surrounding Trump’s proposal, one thing is clear: it’s going to be tremendous. Tremendously confusing, tremendously chaotic, and tremendously hilarious if you’re not directly affected.
Picture this: Schools hosting bake sales to buy pencils. Principals moonlighting as Uber drivers to pay for electricity. The Pledge of Allegiance replaced by dramatic readings of Trump’s Art of the Deal. America will truly be “great again” if your definition of “great” is “a giant clown car on fire.”
Welcome to the New (Un)educated States of America
If Trump gets his way, the Department of Education will be nothing more than a fond memory, like Blockbuster Video or MySpace. But don’t worry—kids won’t need fancy things like science, literature, or math. They’ll have something better: the survival skills needed to navigate this brave new world of educational anarchy. And isn’t that what America is all about?
