PALM BEACH, FL — After a third straight day of market chaos and a trillion-dollar hemorrhage across Wall Street, former President Donald Trump reportedly logged into his brokerage account only to discover that his own personal stock portfolio was down 37%.
Witnesses say that upon seeing the numbers, Trump turned redder than usual and shouted:
“WHO DID THIS?! Who the hell thought tariffs were a good idea?!”
His financial advisor gently reminded him: “You, sir. You thought tariffs were a good idea. Three days ago. You held a press conference with a gong.”
Trump Blames Tariffs on “Someone Deep in the Administration…Possibly Ivanka”
According to insiders, Trump initially suspected a “rogue tariff elf” had infiltrated the economy, before launching into a 40-minute rant blaming China, wind energy, Mitch McConnell, and possibly the guy who runs his golf cart charging station.
“I mean, look — I like tariffs, OK? But only when they hurt other people. Not me,” Trump said. “This is NOT the America I left behind. And it’s definitely not the America I invested in.”
He later added:
“We need a commission to figure out who launched these tariffs, and they should be tried for economic terrorism — unless it was me, in which case, good instinct. Bad execution.”
Dow in Freefall, Trump Declares Emergency Steak Buyback Program
To stabilize the market, Trump proposed a “patriotic stock stimulus” wherein Americans send their worst-performing assets to Mar-a-Lago in exchange for expired Trump Steaks and a half-used bottle of Trump Cologne.
“We have to stabilize things the smart way,” Trump said. “By injecting raw meat and confidence into the economy. Preferably in that order.”
Economists called the plan “non-functional,” “incredibly weird,” and “possibly a public health emergency.”
Golf Interrupted by Panic, Financial Advisor Found Crying in Bunker
One staffer reported that Trump paused mid-golf swing to scream at the sky, “If the Dow hits 28,000 again, I’m switching to Ethereum.”
His financial advisor, Steve, was later found in the sand trap clutching a printout of the portfolio and whispering, “We told him not to short Tesla and long meat futures. But he said, and I quote, ‘Beef is forever.’”
Trump Unveils New Strategy: Reverse Tariffs, Blame Canada, Watch Fox Business
By Thursday evening, Trump proposed a bold three-point recovery plan:
- Pretend the tariffs were Biden’s idea
- Place a tariff on the word “tariff”
- Sue China for “emotional damages”
He then retreated to a secure location (the gift shop at Mar-a-Lago) and began watching reruns of The Apprentice for “strategic clarity.”
Markets Continue Falling, Trump Assures Nation: “The Numbers Are Just Upside Down”
With the Dow tumbling, the Nasdaq weeping, and millions watching their 401(k)s evaporate, Trump took to Truth Social to reassure the public:
“Don’t panic. The numbers aren’t going down — they’re rotating. 9s become 6s. It’s basic math. Everyone RELAX.”
