In a surprising New Year’s Eve address, President Biden unveiled a last-minute stimulus package aimed at lifting the spirits of Americans nationwide: free noise makers and party hats for every household. Dubbed the “Celebration Restoration Act,” the initiative is designed to help Americans “ring in the New Year with style, unity, and just a little bit of sparkle.”
The Announcement
Speaking from the White House Rose Garden, Biden declared, “Folks, it’s been a tough year. But tonight, we’re putting the ‘fun’ back in ‘funding.’ We’re sending noise makers and party hats to every home, because if we can’t agree on politics, we can at least agree on glittery cone hats.”
Vice President Kamala Harris chimed in via Twitter, stating, “This is a bipartisan win for joy. Every toot of a party horn is a step toward unity.”
The Logistics
The White House has reportedly partnered with the U.S. Postal Service and several discount party supply chains to deliver the goods. Each household will receive a kit containing:
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Two noise makers
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A selection of party hats (including one with “2025” in gold glitter)
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A small packet of biodegradable confetti to “stay environmentally friendly”
Critics were quick to point out that deliveries were unlikely to arrive before midnight, prompting Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to respond, “It’s not about timing. It’s about the gesture.”
Mixed Reactions
As expected, the announcement was met with divided opinions. Supporters praised the effort, with one resident of Des Moines tweeting, “Finally, a stimulus I can actually use!” Meanwhile, detractors were less impressed. Senator Mitch McConnell issued a statement saying, “The federal government should not be in the business of party planning.”
Former President Trump also weighed in on Truth Social, stating, “Noise makers? Sad. I gave Americans big fireworks. The best fireworks. And no one parties like me.”
Party Politics
In a rare show of bipartisanship, several members of Congress held a press conference wearing the party hats from the stimulus package. Senator Elizabeth Warren’s hat read “Equality for All,” while Senator Ted Cruz’s featured a hand-drawn image of Texas. “This might be the only thing we agree on all year,” joked Warren.
However, some lawmakers used the opportunity to push for more targeted relief. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called for “streamers and sparklers for underserved communities,” while Senator Rand Paul criticized the confetti for being “too socialist.”
What’s Next?
The first deliveries of the party supplies began rolling out this afternoon, with reports of excited children and bewildered adults unpacking their kits. While it remains unclear if the package will have the desired effect on national morale, one thing is certain: Americans have never been louder—or more festive—on New Year’s Eve.
As the clock ticks closer to midnight, the President issued a final call to action:
“Blow those horns, wear those hats, and remember—when the clock strikes twelve, we’re all on the same team. Except for that team in Congress trying to ruin my fun.”
Happy New Year, America. 🎉
