In a physical exam released Sunday, President Trump was declared “fully fit to serve,” with dramatically improved cholesterol levels. However, sources close to the medical team warn that while the former president’s arteries are “open for business,” his ego continues to block 93% of all humility flow.
“We’re seeing real progress in lipid management,” said Navy Capt. Sean Barbabella, the physician who oversaw Trump’s exam. “But unfortunately, the patient’s self-regard remains elevated to historic highs. This man’s ego is now classified as a Category 5 personality event.”
Trump, 78, attributed the drop in cholesterol to a new diet rich in grilled steak, Diet Coke, and what he calls “psychological victories over the deep state.”
‘Frequent Golf Victories’ Officially Counted as Cardio
The president’s medical report cited “an active lifestyle,” including “frequent victories in golf,” which, according to Trump’s own statement, “burn just as many calories as war.”
“We’ve updated the CDC guidelines to reflect that yelling at CNN also counts as moderate physical activity,” said White House spokesperson Chad Matterhorn. “President Trump’s exercise regimen includes walking briskly from the tee box to his own lies.”
Mental Health Status: “Vibrant, Delusional, Very Stable Genius”
The report also confirmed that Trump’s resting heart rate was an “excellent” 62 bpm, but noted an “elevated response” whenever the president sees a photo of Barack Obama, windmills, or the word “indictment.”
The physician added a handwritten note at the bottom of the report:
“Patient insisted on being weighed without shoes, tie, belt, and legal baggage.”
Sources later confirmed that all pending indictments were stacked in a corner of the examination room “to avoid skewing the results.”
Trump Responds: “Best Physical In Presidential History. Possibly Ever.”
Speaking to reporters while holding up a chart of his cholesterol levels (and pointing to the wrong line), Trump claimed the report “vindicates everything,” and proves he’s in better shape than “Biden, Obama, the cast of ‘Hamilton’, and most Olympic swimmers.”
Meanwhile, medical experts warned that while physical health is important, “unchecked ego cholesterol” could pose long-term dangers, including ruptured reality perception, empathy fatigue, and uncontrolled press conference outbursts.
