WASHINGTON — In a twist straight out of a rejected Veep episode, it was revealed late Thursday that the true cause of last week’s national security kerfuffle wasn’t a hacked app or a rogue staffer — it was a janitor. Specifically, “Jeff the Janitor,” a beloved nighttime custodian at the National Security Council, who unintentionally set off an international incident over lunch break.
After nearly a week of finger-pointing, semantic gymnastics, and Trumpian declarations of “witch hunts,” the White House finally admitted that the Atlantic editor-in-chief wasn’t mistakenly added to a classified Signal group — he was never added at all. The real Signal recipient was Jeff Carlsberg, NSC custodian, part-time guitar teacher, and the proud owner of a cracked Samsung Galaxy with all alerts muted.
The Leak That Cleaned House
It all came to light when Jeff the Janitor, cleaning out a vending machine-sized filing cabinet labeled “Misc. State Secrets,” stumbled upon a printout of the entire Signal transcript. “I thought it was a prank,” Jeff told Politicule. “Then I saw my own number listed as ‘Jeff A.’ and realized I’d been reading war plans while eating a Lunchable.”
In a move that stunned the press, Jeff mailed the entire chat log to The Atlantic with a sticky note that read: “I think this was meant for you? Also, please renew my subscription.”
Upon receiving the envelope, Jeffrey Goldberg confirmed it was the exact transcript that had caused the White House’s week-long meltdown. “I was never in that chat. But I will say the janitor’s penmanship is excellent,” he noted.
From Mop to Mega-Source
Jeff’s revelation set off a flurry of confusion inside the administration. Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt hastily pivoted at the next briefing: “What we said was true technically. A Jeff was added. It was not our fault that it was a different Jeff. The White House deeply respects all janitorial professionals and we are reviewing contact label protocols.”
When asked if disciplinary action would be taken against National Security Adviser Mike Waltz, Trump replied, “Mike’s a good guy. He thought he was texting the other Jeff. Easy mistake. They’re both great. One cleans toilets, the other cleans terrorists. Both very important jobs.”
Goldberg Responds with Grace
Reached for comment, Goldberg was magnanimous. “Honestly, I’m relieved. I kept wondering why I was getting encrypted birthday memes from Pete Hegseth.”
When asked if he would press charges for the impersonation, Goldberg replied, “Only if they invite me to the next Signal chat. I have thoughts on drone formations.”
Meanwhile, at the Pentagon
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth continued to insist the Signal group “was basically just banter,” despite screenshots showing detailed strike timelines and emojis of bald eagles holding missiles.
Tulsi Gabbard, when pressed about Jeff the Janitor’s revelation during a House Intelligence hearing, said, “Look, the important thing is, we’re moving forward. Mistakes were made. Floors were mopped. No one was hurt — except maybe international trust.”
A New Era in Security Protocols
The White House has since announced sweeping reforms, including:
- New mandatory contact nicknames (e.g., “Jeff The Editor” vs. “Jeff The Janitor”)
- Signal group invites now require two-factor authentication and a written poem
- A full audit of everyone named Jeff within 50 miles of the Capitol
As for Jeff the Janitor, he’s been placed on temporary administrative leave — with full honors. His mop has been retired to the Smithsonian, and rumors are swirling of a possible Netflix deal.
“Honestly,” Jeff said, while sipping from a thermos shaped like the Constitution, “I just wanted someone to pick up their lunch trash.”
