WILMINGTON, DE – In a shocking turn of events, former President Joe Biden interrupted regular programming nationwide today to deliver what he described as “an urgent, history-defining announcement.”
News stations scrambled to cover the unplanned press conference, with anchors speculating about everything from an international crisis to a new ice cream flavor announcement. However, the reality was even more unexpected.
Taking to the podium at what he believed was the White House press briefing room—but was, in fact, a Delaware strip mall food court—Biden leaned into the microphone, gripped the edges of the podium with both hands, and dramatically declared:
“Folks, I finally remembered what I was trying to say!”
The room fell silent.
‘No Malarkey, I Got It Now!’
Biden’s eyes gleamed with an excitement not seen since he first discovered chocolate chip ice cream. Holding up a well-worn sticky note that simply read “THE THING,” he nodded proudly.
“I was standing in the Oval Office back in 2023, and I had something big. Real big. But just as I was about to say it, BOOM—I lost it. Just gone. Right outta my brain like a dog chasing a squirrel.”
Pausing to stare meaningfully into the distance, Biden continued:
“But folks it came back to me last night. Just hit me like a bolt of lightning right in the noggin. And I said, ‘Jill! Get me a podium, I gotta tell the people!’”
Biden Insists He’s Still in the Oval Office
Despite multiple confused reporters attempting to clarify his location, Biden remained convinced he was in the White House.
At one point, he turned to a Cinnabon employee behind the counter and asked, “Where’s the football?”—a reference to the nuclear codes he has not had access to for over a year.
When an aide whispered that he was in a Delaware shopping center, Biden nodded and replied, “That’s right. They remodeled the West Wing. Looks nice.”
What Was Biden Trying to Say?
As anticipation reached a fever pitch, reporters begged Biden to reveal the message he had finally remembered after three long years.
Biden took a deep breath, looked out into the crowd, and declared:
“The thing is… uh… hold on, I wrote it down.”
Aides frantically searched his pockets as Biden patted himself down, muttering, “I had it right here… no, wait, that’s a Werther’s… hold on, hold on…”
After several agonizing minutes, Biden triumphantly produced a napkin covered in ketchup stains. He squinted at the writing, smiled, and confidently announced:
“You know what, folks? It’ll come back to me.”
Press Conference Abruptly Ends as Biden Wanders Off Toward Auntie Anne’s
Before reporters could protest the lack of an actual announcement, Biden folded the napkin, gave a thumbs-up, and walked directly toward the food court, asking a janitor if his table was still reserved.
The press conference ended abruptly, with aides nervously chasing after him as he happily waited in line for a cinnamon pretzel.
As the screen cut to static, CNN analysts declared the event “Biden’s most coherent speech in months.”
Meanwhile, Fox News immediately aired a 24-hour special titled “Has Biden Ever Known Where He Is?”
