WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what experts are calling “the biggest intelligence blunder since the Pentagon accidentally tweeted ‘password123,'” the CIA has reportedly declassified a top-secret time travel machine. While historians, scientists, and government agencies scramble to understand the implications of this groundbreaking technology, the American public has made one thing abundantly clear: they just want to go back to 2019.
According to leaked documents, the classified program—code-named Project ChronoJump—was meant to remain hidden until at least the year 2097. However, an unfortunate mishap occurred when a CIA intern, tasked with uploading a routine public transparency report, mistakenly attached the entire ChronoJump user manual instead. Within minutes, the document was discovered by Reddit’s r/conspiracy forum, which initially dismissed it as “just another deep-state psy-op to distract us from chemtrails and lizard people.” That skepticism quickly turned to mass hysteria when the CIA confirmed the leak with an official press release titled: “Oops.”
Americans Have One Request: Take Us Back to Simpler Times
Instead of using the device for monumental historical corrections—such as preventing world wars or warning civilization about NFTs—most Americans immediately flooded the CIA’s hotline with requests to return to the pre-pandemic utopia of 2019.
- “I don’t care about paradoxes or butterfly effects. I just want to eat in a restaurant without scanning a QR code for the menu,” said a desperate citizen in a viral TikTok plea.
- “This could be our one chance to stop Cats from being released in theaters,” tweeted another concerned user.
- “I simply wish to exist in a world where ‘Tiger King’ wasn’t the cultural peak of human entertainment,” added another.
Government officials were unprepared for the public’s overwhelming fixation on 2019, as they had assumed people would at least consider returning to more historically significant time periods. “We anticipated demand for Ancient Rome, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, or at least the moon landing,” said one confused scientist. “But nope—99% of requests are for ‘the year Baby Yoda debuted.'”
Congress Debates: Is Time Travel Tax Deductible?
Lawmakers were quick to react, introducing a flurry of competing legislation to regulate time travel access. Republican leaders argued that returning to 2019 should only be available to “hardworking, time-traveling Americans” who can afford it, while Democrats insisted that a universal “Back-to-2019” program be established. In an unexpected bipartisan move, both parties agreed that the time machine must be exempt from daylight saving time adjustments, just to keep things simple.
Meanwhile, President Trump attempted to calm the nation, stating, “Look, folks—2019 was fantastic, the best year. Some say the best year ever. Nobody had a better 2019 than America. We had record numbers, huge success. People tell me all the time, ‘Sir, if we could just go back to 2019, everything would be perfect again.’ And you know what? They’re right.” The rest of his remarks were lost in an extended monologue about trade deals and how time travel was probably invented under his administration.
The Black Market Emerges: ‘Time Travel as a Service’
As government officials dithered, Silicon Valley moved swiftly to capitalize on the chaos. Elon Musk announced his own commercial time travel service, X-Terminexus, which promises round trips to 2019 for anyone willing to pay in Dogecoin. However, early beta testers reported catastrophic glitches, with some users arriving in 1347 during the Black Plague, while others landed in 2016 just in time to watch Suicide Squad in theaters.
Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos has proposed a “Prime Time Travel” subscription, which would allow members to visit 2019 within 48 hours—or sooner if they select same-day paradox delivery. Amazon has also confirmed plans to use time travel to make Black Friday deals available before Black Friday, further eroding the fabric of reality.
CIA Pulls the Plug… Or Do They?
Faced with the growing chaos, the CIA made the difficult decision to shut down Project ChronoJump, citing “unforeseen complications,” “excessive boomer nostalgia,” and “too many people trying to use time travel to stop their exes from breaking up with them.” Before terminating the project, however, one rogue scientist allegedly initiated a final jump—to erase the moment the leak ever happened.
As a result, the public’s memory of time travel has now been wiped clean. Any lingering recollections are now dismissed as “just another weird dream.” When asked for comment, a CIA spokesperson simply shrugged and said, “What time machine?” before slowly vanishing into thin air.
And so, we move forward…
With time travel officially off the table, humanity remains trapped in 2025, doomed to endure yet another election cycle, escalating AI threats, and yet another reboot of The Office. But deep down, people still hold onto hope—hope that one day, somehow, they might once again know the joy of walking into a store without being asked if they’d like to sign up for a rewards program.
Until then, we push onward, forever dreaming of 2019, the last golden age before everything went completely off the rails.
